Ever felt like tumbling into bed with a stranger? I’m not talking sexy time (what were you pervs thinking?) or any of that tedious relationship stuff or genuine human affection (Lord knows you wouldn’t want THAT). I’m talking about the simple, unadulterated pleasures of paying a girl you’ve just met to lie in bed with you – and do nothing else.

From the country that brought you maid cafes where waitresses will literally spoon feed you and clean your ears, comes a revolutionary new F&B concept that will surely prove to be an enormous hit: the “co-sleeping specialty shop”.  That’s right – for a (not very) small fee, you too can have “the simple and ultimate comfort of sleeping together with someone.”

Welcome to Soineya in Tokyo’s Akihabara district, Japan’s first (and such a point of pride it is) cuddle cafe: where it costs you a mere 10,000 yen (S$157) to lie down and go to sleep with the girl of your choice for a full hour. Starting from a mere 4,000 yen (S$63), including a 3,000 yen admission fee, you can forget – for just a little while – that you’re a sad, lonely little man starved of affection who cries himself to sleep over his comic collection.

Before you start going, “What? That’s even more expensive than my monthly JAV subscription fee!”, fear not –  you can always pick another service off their a la carte menu:

Customer sleeps in girl’s arm (3 min) – 1,000 yen (S$16)
Girl pats customer on the back (3 min) – 1,000 yen
Customer pets girl on the head (3 min) – 1,000 yen  
Customer and girl stare at each other (1 min) – 1,000 yen
Girl changes clothes (1 time) – 1,000 yen
Girl gives customer foot massage (3 min) – 1,000 yen  
Customer gives girl foot massage (3 min) – 2,000 yen
Customer sleeps with head on girl’s lap (3 min) – 1,000 yen
Girl sleeps with head on customer’s lap (3 min) – 2,000 yen

My personal favourite – “customer and girl stare at each other”. Not only is it great practice for the inevitable moment when regular customers tell the girl they’ve kidnapped and tied up in their own personal pit to put the lotion in the basket, you can also pretend you’re having a genuine human connection.

Unfortunately, nothing is said about the cost of scrubbing your mind clean after the whole experience. A process which will surely take a lifetime of therapy, and cost considerably more than 10,000 yen.